That Pollyanna wearing the rose-coloured glasses and flowing white skirt that you see skipping through a field of Shasta daisies humming a happy tune? Yeah. That’s me.
I’ve noticed a number of posts, by well respected friends, around the topic of online etiquette. The positive power that is Peg Fitzpatrick wrote a considered post about the McNastys out there; you know, those folks spoiling for a tussle. My loving friend, Lynn Ponder, weighed in with her thoughts on thoughtfulness in her post about Virtual Etiquette. The eloquent Dabney Porte guides to best practices on social media in her Tuesday night Twitter chat #SMManners. I have seen my friend, Dan Newman, consistently display empathy and integrity in his exchanges with detractors.
That dear heart, Jessica Northey, social media celebrity, has only ever looked down on someone because she is helping them up and always shares her knowledge and enthusiasm. Mack Collier is the epitome of diplomacy ~ he gets a few McNastys on #BlogChat and always respectfully ‘agrees to disagree’. These folks, and far too many others to mention here, spread and share positivity.
There is certainly no dearth of content around how to behave on social media. Apparently, these ~ and other missives about manners ~ are necessities. My question is … Why?
According to Digital Buzz, for both Facebook and Twitter, the largest percentage of users are in college or have graduated, are aged 26-44, and earn money (that is to say, they hold jobs. They are employed. So, we can stipulate that they must ~ at some level ~ communicate and engage with other people). Educated, employed, and post-adolescent, why the need to elucidate on etiquette?
Perhaps it’s thanks to the ‘wall’ inherent in this virtual playground allowing for reduced inhibitions. When out in the real world ~ be it a social situation or a conference meeting ~ I wager that most would defer to tact and diplomacy. Should someone offend, you would probably move along to find a new conversation. Were another to offer an insight with which you disagree? I suspect that, standing next to the punch bowl, you would engage in lively, yet polite, banter. The issue with social media is the medium, as pointed out by many of my insightful friends. There is no capacity for subtly, no room for sarcasm (saving the hashtag ‘#sarcasm’ but … meh), emoticons are served liberally with the hope of illuminating understanding, and, with some exceptions, we really don’t ‘know’ each other at all.
Everyone has differing opinions and contrasting perspectives. That’s what makes life amusing. You can be adamant about your method of dog-training but what I did worked for me. If you prefer to travel by air, it doesn’t negate my fondness for the train. Toe-MAY-toe versus Toe-Mahh-toe? Let’s talk about our feelings on that! There is a difference between an argument and contradiction …
Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a cynic. I honour each person I meet, online and off, with the benefit of believing in their goodness and their capacity to contribute something to my knowledge, understanding, and, ultimately, to my life. If they betray that benefit, I move on. Not everyone you meet is going to be ‘nice’ nor is going to share your sensibilities, passions, or perspectives. Some people will be mean ~ personally disparaging, insulting, and abasing. The most gracious thing you can do for yourself is to move on … there is no rule that you have to play with them. Besides, the best tutelage comes from leading by example. Just like in real life, surround yourself with people who add value to your life and to whose lives you, too, contribute.
Engaging in intelligent discourse, regardless of viewpoint, is conversation. If you’re a ‘brand’, constructive criticism can be a gift and help drive improvement. If you’re a person, you may learn something ~ and perhaps teach something, too. The operative word is ‘constructive’ ~ anything else is mud-slinging and rarely involves intelligence.
Kindness isn’t weakness; empathy doesn’t imply acquiescence.
So what is the ROI of ‘Nice’? By my estimation and experience ~ one erg of kindness expended gains mega-ergs in return. Besides, I really rock the glasses.
Do you let Social Media Monsters get under your skin? How do you rise above?
Tobey Deys 
Tobey – good stuff. You can’t change negative people, except perhaps by example. Best to just steer right around them and press on…
Thanks so much, Steve ~ I agree; nonconstructive negativity is a waste of time and energy. I think we have too little time on this planet and too much to learn and experience to shoulder others’ grievances 🙂 I’m all for healthy debate and, more often than not, walk away with a new nugget of knowledge, thankful for it. Respect and consideration takes a body a long way …
~ honoured (and enraged props to you, my friend ;-))
The reward for practicing positivity is a life worth living. Positive people do have an effect on others just like negative people do. Unfortunately negativity is 3-4 times more powerful in its effect. The best we positive people can do is counter-balance the effects of the negativity around us for ourselves.
In social media online the best solution is disconnect. I try to have compassion and give people a break. You never know what is going on in their lives. The least you can do is give them a smile and be affected the least amount possible by their negativity.
Maybe instead of looking at what’s wrong with the world (and people), we can look for what is RIGHT about the world around us. I think this might leave us best prepared to deal with what’s wrong.
Kat – how wonderful! One of my favourite thoughts, that guides me daily, is from HH Dalai Lama (I’m a big fan ;)) ~ Be Kind Whenever Possible. It is Always Possible ~
Compassion is a dish best served warm and lacking at some tables, I suspect. I love that you say, “You never know what is going on in their lives”; by considering this, it really opens hearts to the possibility that there’s more than just ‘me’.
Thank you for being a Plus for me ~ I’m so happy we’ve met!
~ peace
Tobey,
A very thoughtful post on a topic that we have discussed at length. I am in the Pollyanna camp with you and proud to be there! I’ll take being a Disney Princess over an Evil Queen any day! I will definitely re-read your post from time to time and share with others as they have a hard day. Having many positive, fun friends, like you, makes all the thankfully rare negative experiences a mere drop in the bucket of our online fun.
I really agree with this: “The operative word is ‘constructive’ ~ anything else is mud-slinging and rarely involves intelligence.” I have seen this frequently, “conversations” as a mask for negative thought bombing. Not the same thing at all! A wise person listens to the other side of the conversation (which is an exchange of ideas between people), shares, learns and still may maintain their original idea BUT may come away with a new perspective. Live is about growth and expansion ~ anyone who would assume that they are smarter than someone else or right all the time is clearly missing the boat in my opinion. (which is not a fact, but my thoughts on the topic)
Love this post & YOU!
Positively,
Peggy
I love this quote from Othello ~ “The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief” …
“Negative thought bombing” (< I love that!) may simply be the mask covering insecurity; you're right, engaging in hollow contradiction is boring. There are so many ways to help each other, so many opportunities to share knowledge and insight, and just too many moments to have fun to waste on … y'know … meh!!
love you Peg <~ make many moments marvelous!! xoxo
Oh Dear…so sweet and kind.
I tell you the same thing I tell EVEN celebrities and musicians, “If it DONT apply LET it fly.”
Social Media is a mirror of the real world but instead of just avoiding the negative person at work or at parties you are almost forced to see them in your stream or watch friends interact with them.
hit block or ignore. Media has forced me to get thick skin…I have come to accept that not everyone is gonna like me and I am fine with that, cause I don’t have to like everyone either.
Giving your attention or thoughts to someone who doesn’t respect it or want it is a waste of your goodness. Save it up for the people who deserve it and earn it.
at the end of the day I say, “love me or hate me, just spell my name right.” 😉
Hey Sweets! You are the guiding light to so many ~ and not just because you have worked so hard to gain the knowledge you possess (and to generously share with and help so many) but because you are genuinely sweet, kind, loving … and sometimes, kinda funny 😉 heehee
Thank you for all that you give to me ~ and each day I know that I’m blessed to call you my friend. xoxo (hugs + ∞)
Jessica, what do you mean not everyone likes you? I have yet to meet that person. 🙂
I know, right? Jessica is, truly, un-unlikable! 🙂
Great post and glad to see there is more to this conversation after Peggy’s thoughtful post. I have consciously stepped back out of some channels because negative energy sticks to you even if it’s not hurled in your direction. To me, it’s rather like second hand smoke. I’m not the one lighting up the negativity cigarette but it does destroy my (mental) health. We talk so much about youth bullying… it’s time we examined it in the social channels, I think.
So very true, Parissa! Shoot those negative McNastys down with positive artillery (ok … bit of paradoxical imagery but you know what I mean ;-)) Toxic people are everywhere; they take issue with non-issues, make crude & inappropriate comments, interrupt streams with nonsense to get attention. Bullying is a way to gain a false sense of power … as you say, it is time to examine (and hopefully – in numbers – work to eradicate) it. Your analogy is gifted ~ thank you!
Honoured to know you and thank you so much ~ peace xo
Tobey your positive writing touches my heart every time I get to read one of your lovely posts. You write from the heart and each word not only educates us all but has movement and special feelings! I feel so lucky to have met you and grateful that we are friends! Thank you for sharing your knowledge and being an inspiration of how we can all contribute in creating a better world!
Blessings and much love sweet Tobey 😀
Lynn – it’s with thanks to you and so many of the other warm and genuinely loving people I’ve met. Something that has touched me is how true you all are to your online personalities when I’ve met you in real life; how warm, caring, interesting and interested!
Your words humble and honour me ~ xoxo
I came in hopes you’d actually try to answer the question. Your post is certainly warm and fuzzy but could have used a different title, if you aren’t going to demonstrated some scenarios where being nice had distinct, measurable payoffs.
Hello Mr X,
Thank you for visiting and for your comment ~ I appreciate you! Yes, you’re right; it is difficult to measure, empirically, the ROI of nice. If I were to look at it strictly thus, I would have to say that my ‘Return on Nice Investment’ has gained me three social media management contracts, two projects with potential profitable gains, and a partridge in a pear tree (<< by that I mean some extraordinary and exemplary friends).
When I said that an erg expended resulted in mega-ergs returned, I was not kidding. An erg, loosely defined for my purpose, is a unit of energy/work. When I expend one unit ~ by helping another on social media by RTing or engaging ~ I find that the ripple of that energy expands exponentially. Ergo, my ROI = (erg)(∞) (where ∞ is unknown because nice has such amazing viral potential)
I would highly recommend that you read this book by my friend Olivier Blanchard (@thebrandbuilder) ~ http://thebrandbuilder.wordpress.com/2011/03/02/its-official-social-media-roi-is-here/
His insights and guidance around social media ROI for business and brands are brilliant!
Again thank you for being here. I wish you well.
~ peace
Tobey,
Thanks for this excellent post!
I have learned that you can’t give anything away. The more you give the more you get. So there is always great return on being nice, no matter how it looks at the time. The thing is, the return doesn’t always happen right away, so we get confused and we think that we have to make sure that there’s at least a good possibility that we will get something back before investing our time and energy in someone. I’ve heard this put as, “Only picking the BEST people” to be friends with or making sure someone is “worth our time.” I disagree. Being nice always comes back to you. It may not come from the person you were nice to, but it does always come back to you. AND I do believe how a person treats those who are lower status says a LOT about their approach to the world in general.
As far as the trolls go, I once had the interesting experience of being part of an improv status game. All the players were given a status from 1 to 10 (10 being highest) to play at a mock cocktail party. They were also given an emotion to play. Afterward one of the participants, a nice woman who had been playing a 9 status with the emotion of hate, had some very interesting insights. She said that happy people, low or high status, made her feel uncomfortable and she was moved to seek out others who were playing hate.
Online, trolls don’t have that inhibition of being immediately surrounded by happy people. They can annonymously put out a nasty tweet without immediate response. But when they don’t get hate back, they feel uncomfortable and eventually they move on. So I think the old advice, “Don’t feed trolls” makes a LOT of sense.
Great thoughts, Jenise ~ the first part of your comment reminds me of Aesop’s fable of the lion and the mouse … you know, where the mouse chews through the net to free the king of beasts? The moral: Don’t belittle the little. We never know where we will find a true friend ~ sometimes they are hidden behind quiet modesty. Assume everyone has value.
Great point you make that Givers Gain. Thank you so much for your kindness in sharing your thoughts. I appreciate that you, and others, take the time to comment ~ it means so much.
~ namaste xo
Thank you Tobey! It’s sometimes easy to let the trolls get you down, but it’s really just a waste of time. And it pays to remember that others are watching your interactions. So many times I’ve had someone get snippy at me for no apparent reason on Twitter, and usually someone will DM me to say they say what was said, and admired me for handling it so well.
Now I don’t always do as well, but I think it’s best to remember that true trolls haven’t earned your attention. Don’t give it to them, save that for wonderful people like Tobey Deys 😉
thank You, Mack! You were one of my first, and hold strong as one of my favourite, friends on Twitter (and IRL, too, I should clarify!) When I was stumbling around in this space, you were kind, considerate, thoughtful, generous … I could go on. I’m still stumbling ~ and you’re still all of those … always here for me!
I have seen how you ‘manage’ the McNastys and your graciousness is not lost on anyone. I have, and continue to, learn so much from you. (I feel a hug comin’ on … 😉 )
Yeah ~ you rock. xo
The great thing about social media is that it so open and transparent the mean people don’t have anywhere to hide and can be seen. The kind acts of nice people, there positive influence and impact can also be seen. I see this as leading to increased authenticity and focus on contribution over accumulation. The consequences of actions good and bad are being magnified by Social Media. I wrote an aligned blog “SOCIAL MEDIA IN SETH GODIN’S WORDS – ENABLING TRIBES & BUILDING MOVEMENTS” Would love to hear your thoughts on it http://thesociallarder.com/?p=555
I like this ~> nowhere to hide.
“focus on contribution over accumulation” <~ GREAT point!
Thank you so much for sharing ~ and I'll visit your post.
~ peace
You’re fabulous. Completely. Keep rockin’ those dance steps through the Shastas, lady — I’m right behind you!
Dancin’ is like dreaming ~ a shortcut to happiness 😉 Thank you so much, Paige ~ you’ve warmed my heart and my feet; I’ll dance with you any day, darlin’
xo
Dear Tobey,
I was directed to your interesting commentary by Barbara A. Daniels, whom I have only known for a short time (and only virtually), but have gained a fair respect for. In this case her support and redistribution of your article is well deserved. I have been actively involved in Internet based discussion forums and have experienced a great deal of the lack of etiquette you refer to. The majority of which comes occurs with people who remain anonymous through the use of aliases; I personally believe that this ability to remain anonymous has spawned a great deal of the apathy towards etiquette in the online world that you describe. I have pretty much always used my true name and have found that it helps to generate a level of initial respect – what I do with that remains my own choice.
Kudos to you for a well written article and one that should be read by the many. My initial reaction to your article’s “Headline” question was “The ROI is in the karma” and on that we seem to readily agree. Keep your head held high, stay your course, and keep your Pollyanna glasses well polished – I hope to run into you often.
Sincerely,
Leigh McBain
Honoured by your visit and even more so by your considered comment, Leigh.
Karma is a big concept and you make a great point in that we are often judged by what we ‘give out to the world’. It is said that if you step on (and try to crush) people on your way up in this life, you’ll come back as a cockroach. I want none of that!
I trust that our paths will often cross and I, too, look forward to that ~ peace
Tobey,
This may be a virtual world we all inhabit. But from the first time you popped into my stream intuitively I knew you were a good person. I looked at your tweets in that chat. I followed up and looked at your profile, and thought this Lady is going to shine, she gets this thing.
Everything I have read of yours confirms to me you are wise, intelligent and genuinely just nice. And I see you in the stream interacting with grace, humor and kindness constantly.
There are people who just don’t seem to be able to get over themselves. They are where they are for a reason. I have a negativity radar and see people letting their ego determine their interactions online. And on twitter it shows through even more and can really take away all the fun of business and using social media.
I for one agree completely with you. I only want to surround myself with positive people. I will try to help them get over the negativity if it is possible but sometimes we just have to move on and let life teach them the hard lessons.
Excellent post Tobey
Kenny. My heart is humbled and warmed by your kindness. The best we can ever give is to give our best … we needn’t agree with everyone but giving back kindness and respect, even to those who abase, builds strength of soul.
As you say, an ego is a fragile edifice for many and keeps them from sincerely connecting. Social media is a bit of a meniscus :-); we don’t often get below the surface with some people. In both my offline and my online life, I, too, gravitate to those who choose to respect others ~ regardless of differing perspectives. Disagreeing needn’t be disagreeable … it drives deeper discourse and invites thoughtful introspection. I love learning and so many are out there to teach me. You are one.
~namaste my friend
Tobey,
There is just something to be said for surrounding yourself with positive people. While I’m not looking to ever be pandered, there is just a limit for how much negativity one can handle.
I think what most people don’t get is that the defense shield that is created between your computer screen and the real world doesn’t really exist.
I see so much behavior online and think, if I was standing in front of you would you say that?
If the answer is yes then perhaps there is a real discussion to be had. If not, then move on. Certainly don’t be negative just for the sake of it.
Nevertheless, I aspire more than anything to surround myself with people that are real. Positive people are great, but “Real” positive people are the ingredient for self actualization.
Great post as always. You are for sure one of those people.
Daniel, I’ve seen you work that crowd ~ with empathy, integrity, and respect. Great point you make about “real” positive people; they offer imagination, innovation, and intelligent insight. (whoa ~ I do kinda dig alliteration, huh?) I adore healthy, civil debate ~ always a brilliant path to learning. You’re right that negativity for the sake of ‘PR’ really must be ignored 🙂
Thank you for your thoughtful comment and ~ always ~ for your big support of my little thoughts here, #dnUV xo
What a great post, Tobey. And while I’m known for a bit of snark and quick repartee from time to time, I’m a huge fan of nice. I don’t understand the people who seem to take great delight in being nasty, causing trouble or putting people – or ideas – down. I’ve always been a Pollyanna and I’d rather see the glass as half full than half empty any day.
There’s HUGE ROI in being nice – and count me as part of the crowd that’s right there with you on that.
One adage that I try to live by is that if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. So it doesn’t make sense to continually find something wrong with things — it’s infinitely better to help find solutions, offer great advice and, well, just be nice.
Great job!
Shelly
@shellykramer
Thanks, Shelly ~ you’ll always be a card-carrying member of My positivity crowd ~ you’re not snarky, you’re smart! (I’m a lover of smart :-)) You contribute ~ and consistently provide solutions. Although I do ‘get’ the motivation of those that take great delight in being nasty, I don’t condone it. I avoid them with ‘Egads, they have the plague!’ enthusiasm!
Your adage rules ~ and your kindness to take the time to read and comment is really nice! I’m a wee fish in this very big pond so it means a lot to me ~ peace
Such a great post Tobey!
I’m a firm believer in “voting people off my island” once they have proven to be a Social Media Monster (online or off). . . Like my life, my online experience is completely user controlled content. I don’t like the negativity I unfollow, unfriend, unlike or walk away.
I’d rather be playing in the daisies. 🙂
Way to nail it, Danielle ~> user controlled content! We need not be dragged into others’ nonsense – you are spot on with that (and “voting off my island” – may I borrow that?)
This ‘island’ is neither deserted nor exclusive but we can decorate it however we choose, right? Thank you so much for giving me a wonderful visual of social media ~ my island; my rules!
Awesome! ~ peace xo
Hi Danielle, any relationship to Tennis (that you are aware of)? If yes, say hi to the old guy for me. Have a great day any way you slice it!!
This is a Great Post Tobey! I think it was fair and insightful!
I have been very fortunate regarding my use of Social sites; encountering only a handful of hateful, angry people. And….the cool part is; there are unfollow buttons, block buttons, report abuse buttons, and freedom of choice to use any , or all of them!! This is the course of action I choose to take. I refuse to participate in any type of diatribe!! :))))
Such truth, Ellie! I’m happy to hear that you’ve experienced very few McNastys … and that you take control of how, and with whom, you connect. There is no reason to sully your stream with them!
I’m so pleased that we’ve met and I enjoy our connection 🙂 Thank you so much for taking time to read and comment. I’m so honoured by it.
~ peace
Avoiding any process that would cause one to return as a cockroach would appear to be an excellent plan! Nice is just one component of treating those you come in contact with in a manner you would be happy to be treated in yourself. Nice, respect, acceptance, empathy, etcm all play role. Thanks for making us all take a step back to think about our path forward.
Have a great night.
Cockroaches do not rock! 🙂 That ol’ Golden Rule does … as do you. Thanks again, Leigh.
oh man… i’m not sure how i found myself here, but feel compelled to comment…
i understand the value of “nice” from a marketing perspective, but the sunny/happy/feel good atmosphere in (for example) facebook really freaks me out sometimes. it is NOT an accurate reflection of real life. feeling sick? “oh sweetie, feel better!” picture of your kid? “SOO CUUTTE.” answers and comments are so predictable! rote. boring.
the worst part is that by making this comment, i am clearly playing into the “mean” archetype you highlight…but i couldn’t be further from a troll. does dissent = mean? online, it so often seems to. it’s a shame.
Hey Alex ~ I am so happy you decided to comment! I concur that the ‘cute’ cheerfulness of some exchanges can certainly chafe 🙂 and, referring to those, I think they happen between acquaintances. Like those folks you run into occasionally, ask how they are, coo over the pics of the grandbaby, and so on. Perhaps a ‘drive-by’ wave and a smile. These have their place and can brighten someone’s moment.
I am, in this post, referring to grander exchanges of ideas, beliefs, methods and tenets; perspectives and ideas around which we all differ, to some degree. Dissent – or debate – should be welcomed because it helps us all to learn, grow, and innovate – if it is constructive and open; a two-way respectful conversation.
Being ‘mean’, to my mind, is abasing others’ ideas, discounting other methods without any constructive input, or just being plain rude to other people. It’s pushing your ideas or belittling without any regard for people’s feelings. So sometimes, in this sense, dissent may very well be ‘mean’. And, as you say, this does often happen ~ and it is a shame.
I don’t think you’ve exhibited any troll-like behaviour at all so don’t go shopping for bridges yet! 😉 You’ve expressed a valid opinion and I’m pleased with the opportunity to converse with you!
Thank you again for reading my post and I’m honoured you took time to comment.
~peace
Hey Alex, I concur with Tobey’s response; I don’t see your post as being troll like, just another perspective on the topic. Having said that, there is a huge difference between being “nice” and being gushy or sickly sweet. There is also a huge difference between being constructively critical or taking a devil’s advocate position and being downright mean or rude. You are also correct in your assertion that what is posted online may not accurately reflect real life; however, I would argue that I see far more “rude” and “obnoxious” behaviour online, relative to what occurs in real life, than I do the overly “nice” you are referring to.
It is amazing just how much of the “oh sooo cute” commentary actually occurs in real life when seeing a new baby or a new puppy or whatever, as compared to the amount of unnecessarily rude and obnoxious behaviour I see. As I indicated in an earlier post, I have been actively involved in a number of online discussion forums for many years and it is amazing the amount of garbage that gets posted by people hiding behind aliases and/or the relative anonymity of not having to look someone in the face when deciding to what to post in a public forum.
I don’t know that I need to see a ton more of the “oh sooo cute” stuff than already gets posted, but I could sure use a lot less of the aggressive, nasty stuff, I see – I’ll take “nice”. That doesn’t mean one can’t be direct, or that you have to agree with everything you see or read, but a “nice” presentation is still just fine.
Have a great weekend!
Great topic, Tobey! I always say you can disagree without being disagreeable.
It shocks me sometimes when someone will say something insulting to me online, yet then go on to follow me on Twitter or connect with me on some other site. Do they really think that initial insult sparked a desire for me to make them my new BFF?
A little kindness goes a long way. Especially online.
How did I miss this? Love, Love, Love it! xoxo
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